So here it is: The raw, unedited version
of my story—the story of my journey through clinical depression. This is the story that
inspired the creation of this entire blog. This is the story of the struggles I
endured, and the triumph that God has had over my life. Ultimately, this is not
a story of defeat, but a story of faith, courage, and victory.
The following entries are from my actual
journal. I couldn’t think of a better way to express my story in a way that was
authentic and complete than by using words I had written in the actual moment. I
hope that by the end of it, you see the strength—not of me, the main
character—but of the Author who wrote
Jesus if you’re my Prince, why don’t you
save me? If I’m your princess, why do I feel like anything but one?
I look in the mirror and I’m staring at
this cowering, fearful, diffused girl. One who is timid, afraid and empty. One
who is hiding.
I feel so absent wherever I go and I
want to go home crying. I don’t understand why this is happening to me. My
tendency is to run away and hide. I just feel ugly all the time. My tenseness
and insecurity shove people further away. I am no longer pleasant to be around
because of my own discomfort. God, what is preventing me from fully coming
alive again? It’s like I’m sleep walking through life.
Shame engulfs me. I don’t want to turn
to God because I feel like I’ve disappointed him. I don’t want to look at
myself because I’ve disappointed myself. I can’t turn to others because I feel
like I’ve disappointed them too.
… But it takes
brokenness to prove that brokenness can be repaired. Whatever the reason, God
has let me suffer the things I do. Let my life be the proof that
God conquers all. Let me be proof that it’s possible to overcome this. One can never
be victorious without the risk of defeat. Believe that good can come out of
"Christ will be
exalted in my body."
God, I’m at the end of the line. I’ve
crashed. I don’t know what to do. You know I’m not the type to give up my fight.
You know I’ve been trying to seek you. But God, I genuinely don’t know what to
do. I need help. I am emotionally unstable. I’ve tried everything to combat
this, but a part of me is so empty. There’s a cloud over my head.
… So I told my
mom about my depression. I am officially scheduling a doctor’s appointment to
get checked up on Monday regarding this issue. I feel some hope with the
prospect that I might actually be treated – that this cloud might actually
leave me and stop rendering me paralyzed and immobile.
God is going to free me. This will not
be my forever. I stated that this would not be my forever when I prayed to God.
I stated that this would not be my forever when I reached out for help
regarding my depression and finally scheduled a doctor’s appointment. I stated
that this would not be my forever every time I cried and still chose to wipe my
God, I’m sorry that I’m not flowing with
joy. You know more than anything that I want to be, because that’s what a
Christian girl is called to be. I wish that when people looked into my eyes
they witnessed the joy of Jesus’ resurrection, not this vacant look of
deadness. I want to tell a different story than this. I’m crying now, not
because I feel sorry for myself, but because I want it so badly –to tell a
different story. Lord, help me tell a different story.
this difficulty that I’m going through … this is part of it. This is part of that story I must tell. The greatest
heroes have the greatest adversity. Jesus had to die on the cross before he was
I read a quote
that said: “Faith is not a non-stop flight above reality; it’s a fight. What
distinguishes people of faith is not how rarely they hit the dirt, but how
often they get up again.”
19, 2012 God will make a
way for me. He will make my paths straight.
The priest said that we all suffer, but
there is a reason for suffering. Even
Jesus had his wounds – and so I also have mine. The priest said that it is through our wounds that we come to know
the risen Jesus.
began to realize that it is both a calling
and a privilege to endure the wounds
I have. I began to realize that I must get through this because there is a
greater purpose for it. I must get better. I am determined to. Jesus taught me
how to embrace my crosses because there is life after this.
took Jesus to die on the cross to show the magnitude of his love. And so I must
do the same with mine. The priest said: “Especially in our weakness, God will
… I just know
that God hears me. I thought this pain would prevent me from coming to know
him, but it is in my pain that I
found him. He showed me that he is truly present everywhere, in everything –
including the places that feel so empty and impossible. He is so powerful that
he can even use pain to show me his love.
As I read about saints who suffered depression, I realized
that this is my calling too. This is the way God calls me to know him. I don’t know
why. Everyone is different. He didn’t call everyone to endure the same thing as
me – but this is my calling, unique to me. It is a blessing. I feel so amazed
that I have the same privilege to testify what they know about the Lord. God
gave me this destiny because I can handle it.
… Lord, thank
you. I really am beautiful like a rose: beautiful even despite my thorns,
beautiful because of my thorns.
Thorns like the ones that crowned the Lord’s head when He endured the greatest
suffering to show the Greatest Love.
Today I finally told Abby about visiting
the doctor for my depression. She looked at me and said, “It’s interesting.
When I see that you’ve lost everything about yourself, I see more clearly the
One who is holding you up.” She meant God.
could see that I was like a puppet; God was literally the only one holding me
up. I’m hanging by a string. Yet somehow it’s beautiful. If I want to be with
him, I must take up my cross and follow him. He said that “whoever loses his
life for me will find it.” I have lost my life and all sense of myself. But I
believe that I will somehow find it. I will find life again in him.
And suddenly it
all came to me. I have been privileged to take up the worst kind of poverty
there is. God let me plunge into it so
that I might understand more deeply those that I serve. God
has granted me a deeper understanding through this deep pain. And I am now
thankful to God for allowing me to go through this deep poverty and for still
using me to serve – not only in spite of it, but because of it. Thank you, Lord. I serve the poor, not because I’m
better than them, but because I am one of
I read yesterday that the place you find
your passion is actually where you’ve suffered. Passion and suffering are
inseparable in meaning—they originated from Jesus’ passion on the cross. I have
found my new passion, my new purpose.
So that is it. That is the story that
has made me who I am today, that has driven me to create this blog. After
returning home from mission trip, I never had to go back to the doctor’s again—I
was healed. Through all of my experiences, I realized that the greatest poverty
is feeling like you don’t matter –
and I have committed myself to making sure that no one else has to feel this
If there’s anything I want you to get
out of this, it’s that suffering is inevitable—but there is always a greater reason why we suffer. Perhaps suffering
isn’t evidence that God doesn’t exist; perhaps it is the opposite. Perhaps it
is in our suffering that we come to encounter
God’s existence in a very real, intimate, and vulnerable way.
"God uses nothingness to show His Greatness." - Mother Theresa